I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
