My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
