At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
