capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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