I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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