I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
