So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
