so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
