im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
