Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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