So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
