Will you blow on my dice?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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