I puked a lego.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
