Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
