ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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