So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
