Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
