I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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