I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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