her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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