If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
