all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
