"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
