"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
