guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
