i think my tv is drunk
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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