I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
