Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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