I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
