dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
