If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Green mimosas i think yes
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
