So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
