it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
