she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
