Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
