I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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