Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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