Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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