I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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