I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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