You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
