i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
