literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the day after is always just damage control
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
