I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
