I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you didnt know i had herpes?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
