I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
