There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
