I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
