I met the friendliest cop last night
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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