great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
