Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
