No stitches, just platelets and will power
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
