I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
