Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
